Becoming Whole Again

yeah

There was this wall I keep building around me for a very long time.

It was a barrier, strong like a fortress, enveloping me completely. And for a very long time, it hid me from the chaos outside. I could see the world from where I am. But they could only see the surface, my covering. They couldn’t see through me. They never dared to. Or perhaps most of them never cared to.

Yet, every time someone wants to break that barrier, I keep building it. I surround myself with more of that. They shouldn’t see me. They shouldn’t see my weak self. My pain. My agony. My feeble heart. They don’t have the right. I don’t give them the right. Why should they have it?

Those judging eyes. Those murmurings. Those expressions which makes me feel pitiful. They shouldn’t see me. Why should they? They only want to say their opinions. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear them.

So I build and build and build and build a wall to keep me safe from all the outrage from the outside. My own little space. Yeah. I was like invisible with it. And I felt contented. I thought I could remain this way forever.

Until…

Somebody mighty tried to break my wall. He was smashing it hard. I was startled I tried to stop him. But he continued. As I glance his way, I found him to be familiar. Someone from my past? I know that I knew him yet I don’t seem so sure now.

He was so powerful he could make those great walls tremble. The holes are getting bigger and bigger that I could see the light passing through them. So much light. It was consuming my space. I was panicking I began making ways to rebuild it, to cover the holes. But he was so strong he kept smashing and smashing and smashing and smashing those strongholds. He is exposing me. He is revealing the me I was hiding all these years.

I was frustrated and devastated because I couldn’t do anything. As I see it all shattering, I felt so ashamed. I felt like as if all eyes were on me. I wasn’t naked yet I feel like I am. Now my eyes were filled with tears. They were uncontrollable. I looked at him, that powerful being and I asked him, “Why? Why do you need to do this? Why do you need to destroy my walls? I need it. It’s my shield. My protection. My sanctuary. Don’t destroy it ’cause you’re destroying me as well.”

He stopped for a while and looked at me.. His eyes full of love and understanding. Somehow, I feel like I’ve seen those eyes before. He tried to reach out for me but I kept myself in the corner. Curled up. I could see tears running down his cheeks. “I need to destroy it,” he said. “You don’t need it.”

“No,” I answered back. “I needed it. Please, don’t destroy it.” I was pleading.

“I have to destroy it,” he said gently. “I have to so to rebuild you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked in between confusion.

“It wasn’t really protecting you. It was harming you all these years.”

“You’re wrong. It’s my fortress. The only place I can be safe.”

“It’s holding you captive. It’s giving you a made-up world. A lonely world. It’s not giving you real happiness.”

“No, I felt happy in it.”

“Don’t fool yourself. You have to face the truth. You have to expose yourself to the light. You can’t just live building walls around you. It’s not how you’re supposed to live each day.”

“No. Please, don’t take it away.”

“Don’t worry.” His voice was full of reassurance.

“But I’m afraid. You know I’m so afraid. I’ve lived in fear. I don’t like the stares people give me. I don’t like it when they give their opinion on me. I’m so weak. I’m not able. I don’t want them to see it.”

“I know. That’s why I’m here. I am who you need. I am the real thing. The one who can save you. Not only temporarily but eternally. I will be your strength. I will be your courage. I will be your shield. I’m all that you need. You can trust me with your life. Have you forgotten me?”

I looked in his eyes. Have I really forgotten him? He was crying as I show no sign of recognition. The rain started to fall and the sky started to dim. The earth trembled and they all reminded me of those days. I looked at the mountain and remembered the Calvary. The Cross. The one who died and rose from the dead. The Savior. The one I met years back. The one who I accepted and received in my heart. The one I promise to live my life for. The one who has never left me and is always saving me and has shown me grace though I always fall short of his glory. Have I forgotten him? One by one, I was reminded of who He was and who He is. One by one. How could I have forgot?

Jesus. My Lord and Saviour.

He called me by my name and asked me to come. He stretched His arms wide open and waited for me. From the corner, I got up and slowly, I walked towards Him. He waited patiently. And as I come near Him, he wrapped me in His arms. I was crying all the more. I remember this feeling. This love overflowing. He is the only one who can give it to me without wavering. Yes. I remember Him.

Perhaps I tried to draw myself far from Him too ’cause I know I’m not worthy. I build a wall that I could protect myself from the all the hurting and pains, from all the enemies. I forgot a lot of important things of who He is. I can never be my own savior. He can do that for me and will not fail me. Yet, I trusted myself. All along, the one really hurting me is myself.

But now, in His arms, I am found again. I’m at peace. He has never forgotten about me and will never do. The love He has for me remains eternal. How could He just love me despite my failure? I don’t know the answers. But I’m glad I’m loved by the King of all kings, the Lord of all lords.

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